After reading Murrmurrs hilariously correct method to wash one’s hands and wipe one’s butt (not necessarily in that order), I feel emboldened to write about a problem that has long bothered me.
Every stall in a woman’s public restroom comes equipped with FREE onion-skin-thin paper to drape over a toilet seat. (No instructions provided)
Now, I’m rarely one to refuse a free product, but honestly: WHO USES THOSE THINGS?
Typically, I assume the worst about myself, so I figure my liberal arts education probably covered, Top 10 Butt Germs on a day I was saving mankind, or sleeping in. (One of the many gaps in my wordly knowledge)
Thank heavens for adult education, even if it comes from Google. It seems that there are benefits for using these little oval shaped tissues
1)It saves the customer the inconvenience of jig-saw puzzling strips of paper towels or toilet paper over the seat. And what lady hasn’t walked into a stall and admired the paper collage a former customer left arranged on the toilet seat? That’s some fine art. (I don’t know if men create these mosaics) The untidiness left behind guarantees job security for another American in a minimum wage job. Gross, perhaps, but it’s important to help the economy, don’t you think?
2) It saves users from others’ germs. Not necessarily life-threatening germs, just general butt germs. Dr. Heller, a doctor at MIT in student health, did a study and concluded: Microbiologists studying bacterial concentrations in offices found, in every case, that toilet seats were, by far, the cleanest surfaces of any sampled-a whopping 50 times cleaner than phone receivers, which were the filthiest.
GACK! Go give the phone a rub-down with alcohol right now. Maybe just burn it.
Of course if you’re so unfortunate to follow a “Hoverer”, you might find they’ve missed the BIG, 10-inch hole in the seat. (Please, just sit, why’don’tchoo? What are you doing? Trying to build up your quads?) Forget the paper nest-maker covers. They won’t protect you. Only DRY barriers will work. That’s why restrooms who take sanitation seriously use automatic plastic covers. They buzz and writhe like a polyethylene snake circling the seat in between flushes. Not as artful, but pretty darn interesting to watch.
For the campers in our midst, I think the final word in throne hygiene is the Luggable Lou. It’s a portable, personal, plastic barrier. Haul it to any outhouse and take a load off with complete confidence your backside is covered.
This will look great beanered to my back pack on those long-haul hikes. Now if it’ll just prevent poison oak and mosquito bites.