Valentine’s Day at Opal’s Sporting Parlor

February 9, 1871                                                Editor: LinkingModifiers-LateBloomerBuds

In the past week, Big Opal has employed her usual form of advertising. With her white steeds hooked to her carriage and seats piled with  loud buxom sporting women, she visited the mining camps

Fully clothed, the horizontal experts still offered “a little lookie” as they bent over, handing out hollow-centered chocolates containing notes such as: “Ask for Roamin’ Retta”.  Others gave calling cards and flyers announcing their big event.

The hussy-laden conveyance also traveled back and forth through Two Pan’s thoroughfare.  The only customers in the street were two old dogs lying in the sun. It therefore seems the scarlet ladies’ only purpose was to harass Silky Sue in her saloon.

What'd're you starin' at?

Big Opal pointed toward the Salt Lick, shouting at anyone who would listen. “This should put that hog waller out of business.”

Not to be outdone, the Saloon is offering half price on their most popular drink: A Pink

Takes away whatever's weighing you down--including your gold.

Elephant Child. A generous mix of  whiskey, beer and a big shot of iodine. Miners believe it offers health benefits as well as being lucky.

Love is in the air this week.

It is recommend that all decent citizens stay off the streets.

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
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43 Responses to Valentine’s Day at Opal’s Sporting Parlor

  1. Red says:

    I wonder how long before Silky Sue figures out if she puts some of Doc’s sleeping draft in Opal’s Pink Elephant Child, she will pass smooth out and she can run off the horizontal experts…
    Red.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Gasp….Red….are you trying to get a job at the Salt Lick Saloon? Unfortunately, there’s no doctor in these hinterlands, yet.

      Like

      • Red says:

        Oh, Hades fire, woman. What in the world would I do in a saloon? The bank? Maybe. The hotel? As long as I did not have to be horizontal. But the saloon? My piano playing leaves a lot to be desired, ma’am.
        Red.

        Like

  2. jakesprinter says:

    Nice post 🙂

    Like

  3. Phil says:

    You’ve got to love that frontier spirit of entrepreneurship and promotion. Good times to be had at Opal’s for sure.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      You’re speaking as a customer, aren’t you?

      Like

      • Phil says:

        Well, ya see ma’am, (sorry, almost forgot my manners to take my hat off) I’m kinda new around these parts, and when them fine ladies rode into the mining camps handin’ out them calling cards, I thought I’d come into town and gander a quick peek at Ms. Opal’s place. Well what do you know? There’s a nice saloon here as well. A guy could sure grow to like this place.

        Like

        • Barb says:

          No problem. How are you at throwing drunks through the doors?

          Like

        • Phil says:

          Well ma’am, I ain’t fixin’ to brag too much, but I… (durnit, forgot to take my hat off again) er (ahem) oh yeah, I’m pretty good at handlin’ a drunk or two. And well, since them doors swing, it should be no problem to throw a drunk or two out onto the street. What kind of wages can a feller expect for this kinda work?

          Are you a propositionin’ me for a job, or sizin’ me up for one of the gals? I get confused sometimes, but I’d be mighty obliged to help a fine lady out if she needs a hand.



          (Crap, my fly’s unzipped – dangit!)

          Like

  4. Love your ladies. And, the drink with iodine is probably great for washing lady parts.

    Like

  5. El Guapo says:

    Madam, as one of the few remaining respectable readers of your “gazette”, I must object to the tagline “more hootability per word”.
    While there are indeed several words in the above article with an extremely large hootagility quotient, so too are many of them simple conjunctives, nouns, participles and prepositions.
    This is false advertising of the most scandalous kind. There is more truth in the ribald exhortations of the for-hire mistresses at Big Opals.
    I will therefore be cancelling my subscription to this journal, and putting my gold dust to better use there.
    I understand with 10 concoctions, I will get a gift!
    Good day to you Madam.
    I said good day.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Perhaps, sir, if you would have taken advantage of the half-price drinks, you would have hooted at more nouns and participles? (Conjunctions and prepositions are never funny.)

      We do not refund subscription payments to the Tattler, but you may choose to apply the residual to your account at Spectra’s Dizzy Clinic for Mildly Insane Men, because if you’re able to count to 10 and still function after imbibing their potations, you will indeed get a gift that requires medical treatment. May all your itching be minor.

      (And Bravo on your clever letter to the Tattler!! Well done.)

      Like

  6. winsomebella says:

    Those two old dogs might be far more decent than the citizens.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      They’re unemployed, laying around doing nothing. Will roll onto their back for a little scratch. And will howl at the moon when they’re feeling good. They sound like customers to me.

      Like

  7. Yes! I love my namesake drink. If I only drank whiskey or beer I would raise my glass to all. Still one out of three aint bad. I think I need to hear what happens to those who CAN cope with the full monty of the Pink Elephant’s Child. Do they buy bridges, or sell their children, or simply retire to a corner so pickled that the embalmers are robbed of their fee.
    I get really really excited when I am visiting Two Pan. I obviously need to get out more.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      It was very interesting what the saloon gals did to the drinkers. But I’ll have to put a spy in the saloon to reveal it. Silky Sue will never tell one of her trade secrets. In the meantime…how about a Pink.E.C for the piano player who was usually referred to in all saloons as….The Professor.

      Like

  8. Jon says:

    I’ve always liked iodine in my laudanum. If it doesn’t cure, I don’t care.

    Like

  9. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Brilliant, and that cat is unreal. 😀

    Like

  10. Alice Lynn says:

    Trust you to make us listen up and not wax nostalgic over the good old days in Two Pan. 🙂

    Like

  11. Spectra says:

    When will Dizzy’s Clinic for Mildly Insane Men open up, on the outskirts of town? AT least some of these men will be getting syphilis and other crawlys. Some innovative propietor may be wise to give up the hunt for gold, stay put in town and let the gold rush to them 😀

    I think a Pink ELephants CHild sounds like a lovely concoction. Did you find that in your research?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      You certainly have a brain for business, Spectra. I’m sure Two Pan will welcome you to Main Street very soon, with one of your enterprises.

      The ingredients were birthed by Moma Escriva below. (Who knows what she drinks when no one’s looking?) The beverage was named after Elephant’s Child’s for an outstanding contribution to historical lore.

      (In other words…you make sassy comments…you get included in the history).

      Like

  12. Silva Gang says:

    That drink sounds disgusting. I don’t know of anyone who drinks iodine just for kicks. But hey, I guess if people are willingly attending a VD event (and I mean venereal disease, not Valentine’s Day), why the heck not? 😉

    Like

    • Barb says:

      We had portable iodine tablets to purify our water when we’re in the back country. We’ve switched to more hightech methods now, but in real emergency situations iodine or bleach (1-2 drops ins a gallon) can still be used. As S. Swiderski points out below, the E.C. drink can have many uses. Miners could also set their drinks on fire and toast marshmallows, but that’d be a sinful waste of alcohol.

      Like

  13. momaescriva says:

    It brings a tear to the eye for them good ol’ days. Who says a good drink couldn’t ail ya? It might kill ya, though.

    Like

  14. Julie says:

    “Loud buxom sporting women” who happen to be “horizontal experts” sounds like a great group of gals to kick back and drink iodine with! What a wonderful world where women didn’t have to be a size 2 to attract the menfolk. Another winner of a story and I also like Susan’s comment about “washing their lady parts with Elephant Childs.”

    Like

  15. I am still trying to figure out how your mind works lovey, and that cat could have it’s own horror show I swear! So am I the editor of this piece? Cool beans. Good job missy! xx, Margie

    Like

    • Barb says:

      The good news is that we’re doubling what we paid the last editor, which was nada. So you can look forward to a double load of squat.
      The bad news is editors don’t last long in Two Pan, usually just one edition. Usually they achieve that position by pointing out one of my many grammatical errors or making one of their own. Your linking modifiers qualified you for the job.

      Like

  16. digipicsphotography says:

    Lots of competition going on between those “business” ladies. 😀

    Like

  17. I’m sure the ladies at the bordello are “perfectly clean.” They probably sneak over to the saloon and get a big pink elephant child, and they all use it to wash their lady parts. (The concoction also imparts a nice rosy color in honor of Valentine’s Day., so it’s like saying Happy V.D.) It’ll really be funny if the gals owning the bordello and the saloon were sisters …

    As always, enjoyable reading. You sure do have a unique blog. (And I mean that in a GOOD way!)

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Big Opal doesn’t worry about hygiene, so there’s a job opening there for you, if you’d like. You could also inspect the stills for hooch sanitation. (I like the Happy V.D. day)Emoticon

      Like

  18. souldipper says:

    Old Nelly was raking up around the back of the hotel, she was telling me. Seems the Gent’s window was open. Granny heard, “Take a look at this. Do you think I have the clap?”

    The other male voice said, “Clap! My Gawd, that looks like a standin’ ovation!”

    Not really a valentine theme, but it may be something Big Opal ought to know about.

    Like

  19. Roxie Matthews says:

    Yep, you can really get your money’s worth at Big Opal’s. Three diseases for a dollar and free crabs any time you sit down.

    Like

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