Before Morning Breaks Considers Changing Buttletts

Here’s a “change” that deserves more than a squint-eyed look.

Bras cost too much, I’m burning shoulder pads

In the late 60s women burned their bras.  In the 70s we cut the aprons tying us to the kitchen. By the 80s we stopped trying to tuck in our Polo shirt tails with the bend of a coat hanger because our jeans were so tight they looked like they’d been painted on.

By the 80s we were….Free at last. We strutted our executiveness in polyester stretch pants. Extricated from twisted panty hose. Released from the binding lingerie which left rutted imprints on our fat layers.

So tell me…what devious manipulator has resurrected this fresh hell?

“We have 25% off on all body sculpting garments,” the sales lady told me.

Great!  I go to the gym. I could use some stylish workout togs so I at least look like I’m trying to sculpt my muscles. (Actually if I accidentally burn calories at the gym, I replace them with chocolate—and feel pretty righteous about it.)

But the body-sculpting garments the saleswoman talked about weren’t sweat-worthy active wear. She hauled out a flesh-colored pair of shorts for a Barbie doll. She assured me it would defy the laws of physics known within the 4 dimensions of the Milky Way Galaxy and stretch to fit me.

(Insert squint-eyed look, here)

I know if it looks like a girdle.  And it fits like squeezing an ox through a rubberband.  It’s a girdle. Even if they give it a torqued up name like Spanx  and promise good riddance to “fat back bulges.”

This new element of torso torture has been updated.  The rivets on a girdle that held nylon stockings are no longer needed. And once a crane and jackhammer has stuffed a woman’s flesh inside the new “sculpting” garment, she no longer has to wriggle out to use the bathroom.  She simply grabs her crotch with both hands and gives a mighty heave like she’s opening a phone book.  The material parts to reveal an opening. Good luck with squatting and the rest of the procedure.

Like the corsets I posted about, this new body garment is fully customizable  but instead of tightlacing you use…(I kid you not)…buttletts.  (They look like those shoulder pads popular in 80s dresses.)

Need a bigger tush? Just insert the shoulder pads  buttletts in the handy-dandy cheek pockets. If you sit too much, you’ll flatten the foam in your buttletts, so don’t sit. Stand up and proudly show your newly enhanced bum. (No, they don’t sell refills.  This is a disposable society, remember? You have to buy a whole new garment.) (Contact me. I still have a bunch of shoulder pads in my sewing drawer, and I believe in recycling. I could go into the Blackmarket Buttlett Business.)

Meat Leggings by Black Milk Clothing for that Super Skinny Look

Buttlets for the rounder look

An era is fading. For a brief few years…a woman’s body could flop and flap and be in style. The days of gypsy-legged trousers and stretchy waists are ending. Sigh.

As you know….things change.  For now, it’s skin-tight-jeans.

What an interesting new fashion idea.   

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
This entry was posted in A Laugh, Humor, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

78 Responses to Before Morning Breaks Considers Changing Buttletts

  1. Pingback: Simply Eggcellent – Don’t be a Stupid Girl | As iAge

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  3. ansuyo says:

    Love it, Barb! I guess it’s good I’m too big for these things, because I might be tempted to stuff myself into one. Of course I’d have to have hundreds because I’m pretty sure I’d have to change every time I had to pee (probably the pants too). Ah well, I guess I’ll just keep jiggling. My grandchildren think it’s a great toy 🙂

    Like

    • Barb says:

      The marketing gurus are targeting you. They come in all sizes. Probably after posting this and everyone commenting, Google will start filtering our searches and showing us a lot of body sculpting garments. Heaven forbid what the pop-up ads in the facebook side bar (where this appears) will be.

      Like

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  5. El Guapo says:

    As a guy, I found this both hilarious and appalling. As long as acid washed jeans don’t come back, I say just stay comfortable.

    Like

  6. Nisha says:

    Bring back the 80’s!! I want to flop about with pride!

    I’ve worn one of those body-sculpting things. What people don’t realise is that the fat has to go SOMEWHERE! So even though you’ve evened out your tummy, the chubbness either gravitates downwards or moves up so you end up with an extra stomach. Kind of defeats the purpose of it.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Thanks for the share, Beth. What a disappointment,though. All these starletts are front views. If they wanted to show off their shapley posteriors…they should have walked backwards up the red carpet.

      Like

  7. Nezzy says:

    Heeheehhehee!!! This was a riot girl but after readin’ ’bout jack hammers and all this Ozark Farm Chick ‘ill stick to yoga and planks. Haven’t ya’ll heard anyway, underwear is optional here in the boonies!!! :o)

    God bless ya’ll from the happy hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa!!! :o)

    Like

  8. Amen! I’ve been wondering this myself as these strange undergarments come back around by different names. Give me freedom from corsets. Who cares if I jiggle?

    Like

  9. digipicsphotography says:

    OMG! LMAO!

    I remember those days..and they will never be repeated by me again. Jiggle or no jiggle, I am what I am.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Well this is just sad. How are those poor Spanx employees going to keep their jobs? If you start receiving coupons for gallons of ice cream in the mail, you can figure it’s probably from the Federated Alliance of Tummies (FAT). It’s a conspiracy to force us into body sculpting garments.

      Like

  10. souldipper says:

    Yeeeesssssh! Think I’ll do some trading. Anybody know a good liposuction doctor?

    Like

  11. Elyse says:

    I’m never changing out of my bathrobe again.

    Like

  12. Orice Klaas says:

    Ditto, Barb! Having lived through those earlier,confining time, I am disgusted at the return of the girdle too! Let me out of here!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      According to Highbeam business reports, bras accounted for 56% of lingerie sales.
      Panties 32%, and Shapewear 12%. (and declining).

      Let’s all get out there and help the economy, buy some undergarments…even if you never wear them.

      Like

  13. winsomebella says:

    Is this another idea stemming from the all-male contraception panel?

    Like

  14. marie says:

    Whoa! The graphic description brings back a lot of memories. There was a time when I was up for this kind of self-inflicted torture, but with the weather we have here, I might as well stop breathing….

    Like

  15. pegoleg says:

    It’s totally ridiculous, the lengths that some women will go to to reach some unattainable, undefinable goal that “they” have set for us! I say, to hell with that! We’re fine just the way we are, and we should be proud, sistas!!!!

    (What was the name of that company that made the prosthetic butt-cheeks? I just need that cuz I’m , um, going to write them a nasty letter. Yeah, that’s it.)

    Like

  16. Helen says:

    Brought back a ton of memories…most of them unpleasant! But it did give me a great laugh and for that I am grateful. God forbid we’d have to go back to that garb.

    Like

  17. Aaaaaargh. And no, this is not me, though for those of you that know me, I do whinge and whine just like it. Today however, I am telling you this would be the reaction from the sales staff if I were so unhinged as to express a desire to be squeezed into spanx.
    Since I am a firm believer in random acts of kindness I have decided to be nice to all sellers of intimate apparel and not test the elasticity of the instruments of torture in question.

    Like

  18. dan says:

    nooooooooo! Thanks a lot, this will take years of therapy to erase.

    Like

  19. Alice Lynn says:

    I loved the line: She hauled out a flesh-colored pair of shorts for a Barbie doll. When I stopped laughing, I read on. I’m all for comfort, except when I look at my pictures (when someone snaps a candid shot or more) and cringe. Now why didn’t I stand up straight, suck my gut in, and try to look pleased rather than manic!?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Really, you’ve discovered how to hide that “crazy” look in your eyes? Do tell…

      Like

      • Karen J says:

        From the pic in her avatar, I’d guess that Alice Lynn’s secret is “cheap-sun-glasses” (Waves to A.L. and Elvis Costello 🙂 )
        I always looked stoned in candid shots – until some new-tech-or-other changed the electronic flash that half-closed my eyes, just as the shutter opened.

        Like

  20. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Why oh why do the so called fashion experts keep wanting to torture us lady’s, it beggars belief. My motto, if it looks nice, and it is comfortable, then that is what I will buy. Thank goodness I no longer have to worry about fashion over comfort. 😀

    Like

  21. Spectra says:

    I am reading Gone With the Wind right now, and one thing those bone-tightened corsetts did for you was enhance your feminity with fainting spells. Everyone gathered around and fanned you and offered smelling salts. GREAT attention getter. So, if these Spanx can make a girl faint, I say they’ve done their job for society. There is nothing more atractive than a weak, frail, pale spineless woman laid out on a fainting sofa, unconcious. I’ll take four!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Spectra, you’ve got such a tenacious, strong character, I doubt 4 constricting garments could suppress your character. Why not possum-it? Play dead, then grab ’em when they get close to thump your chest and check if you’re breathing?Emoticon

      Like

      • Spectra says:

        I gotta steal this winking girl. Also, I think I’m beyond the ingenue age where fainting spells would capture much attention, other than a 911 call. And someone digging thru my purse for my insurance cards. And chocolate truffles to steal.

        Like

  22. moma escriva says:

    You know, I tried spanx and all it did was round out my belly. Never got that svelt form they so willingly show in pictures and on women are one twig away from toothpick.

    Like

  23. marjulo says:

    I never did wear a girdle, even back in the day when they were the norm. They looked like torture! But I have endured control top panty hose! I hate panty hose with a passion. I think they were invented by someone who doesn’t like women. Tights are okay, but panty hose? No way! I’ve seen the Spanx, and you are oh so right–they are the new torture garment. I have to say, though, I don’t need the buttlets! I’m glad to be old enough now that no one expects me to look fashionable. My daughters always did roll their eyes about me, and they still do!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Remember how Panty Hose liked to either: a) twist so you felt like you were being sliced diagonally or….
      b) work their way down.

      Which reminds me…how do those butt-crack guys keep their pants up?

      Like

      • marjulo says:

        I can’t imagine! They have to be so uncomfortable and inconvenient. I saw one of them running across the street–in the middle of the street his pants fell down! Heh, heh, heh!

        Like

  24. Margie says:

    It seems like women’s liberation keeps get sideswiped by the fashion industry.

    Like

  25. Jon says:

    I was saving my bell-bottoms, but now I will need the extra fabric at the bottom moved to the top. I always buy “relaxed fit” everything as I am not the lean muscular body-builder type that I always thought I was.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Jon, I’m sure you are a muscular swelter-weight Terminator-type guy…it’s just under a layer of insulation right now. Don’t you have fierce winters?

      Like

  26. Phil says:

    Those Spanx kinda look like baseball sliding shorts I used to wear under my uniform back when I played competitively. The only alteration is the changed pocket that used to be up front to slip in a protective cup into two pockets in the derriere for buttlets. You know, I kind of wish they had buttlet pads back then for when we slid into bases in the hot summer on dry dirt with the consistency of hardened concrete – could have used a bit more padding back then…

    Good lord, there is truth to the saying, “Beauty is not pretty!”

    Like

    • Barb says:

      There are all sorts of “compression” garments for men. Supports circulation..blah blah…oh yeah, and holds in the gut.

      As Dolly Pardon says…”It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”

      Like

  27. Roxie Matthews says:

    Every generation gets a chance to be profoundly miserable for fashion. I remember helping Mother into and out of her “Foundation” and the welts and bruises left on her flesh by the bones and grommets. I wore a panty girdle because it was the only way to keep your stockings up. I also went through the push-up bra phase. If God had wanted my boobs up on my collarbone, she would have put them there. Guys loved it, but then you wound up with guy who only loved your boobs when they hurt. I’m beginning to think that there’s a lot to be said for the muumuu.

    Like

  28. Margie says:

    LOL, LOL! This is a riot Barb! I have a friend who went on an extended road trip with her hubby and bought a pair of the bum pads as her ass was sore from sitting in the car so much. I roared when she told me. Even wrote her a haiku about it. How in the world did you make that little animated smiley bum cheek? LOL again.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Did the bum pads work? This sounds like a lot more intelligent use of buttlets than trying to round out one’s maximus for looks.
      I googled “taunting emoticons” since I broke the camera when I tried “mooning” it.

      Like

  29. It doesn’t matter how long I hold onto stuff or whether it comes back in style… I still can’t fit into it. It’s comfort jeans for this old boy.

    Like

  30. See, it just goes to show ya, if you hold onto your old stuff long enough, it’ll come back into style again. Not that I care. My motto is, “Hey, if it still fits, I’m still wearing it.” Fashion? Pbbbt. And I don’t give a good diddle WHAT kind of fancy name they give it: as Scarlet is my witness, I will NEVER wear a girdle again!

    Like

  31. I’m in agony just reading about these torture devices. This is why I love living in Maine, wearing loose sweats and fleece and letting it all hang out is not only accepted, but encouraged.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Hey now….I looked up Maine’s state motto to fact check your statement. The motto sounds like something Harry Potter would tell his wand: Dirigo…which loosely translated means: “I lead” or “I call shotgun.”
      Being a true Maineiac, you’d know more about your credos, but any state that leads us to looser fitting pants is great. We’re coming to stay with you. How many houseguests can you accommodate?Smiley

      Like

  32. JSD says:

    I remember as a 19-year-old putting my 5′ 6 1/2″, 105 pound frame into those heavy girdles simply because that was what one did to be fashionable. It was not proper to have my bum jiggle…even though I didn’t even have one. Well, I will forego the need to be svelt again. If I can’t do it with diet and exercise, the world will have to suffer with my jiggly bum and back fat. Besides, the one who matters likes me just like I am.
    🙂

    Like

  33. Zarchaspo says:

    Skin tight jeans and body hugging tops that show every curve…… and roll and crease and wrinkle. Just don’t work on my sixpack. They tend to blend into a monopack 🙂

    Like

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