Before Morning Breaks Considers Changing Buttletts

Here’s a “change” that deserves more than a squint-eyed look.

Bras cost too much, I’m burning shoulder pads

In the late 60s women burned their bras.  In the 70s we cut the aprons tying us to the kitchen. By the 80s we stopped trying to tuck in our Polo shirt tails with the bend of a coat hanger because our jeans were so tight they looked like they’d been painted on.

By the 80s we were….Free at last. We strutted our executiveness in polyester stretch pants. Extricated from twisted panty hose. Released from the binding lingerie which left rutted imprints on our fat layers.

So tell me…what devious manipulator has resurrected this fresh hell?

“We have 25% off on all body sculpting garments,” the sales lady told me.

Great!  I go to the gym. I could use some stylish workout togs so I at least look like I’m trying to sculpt my muscles. (Actually if I accidentally burn calories at the gym, I replace them with chocolate—and feel pretty righteous about it.)

But the body-sculpting garments the saleswoman talked about weren’t sweat-worthy active wear. She hauled out a flesh-colored pair of shorts for a Barbie doll. She assured me it would defy the laws of physics known within the 4 dimensions of the Milky Way Galaxy and stretch to fit me.

(Insert squint-eyed look, here)

I know if it looks like a girdle.  And it fits like squeezing an ox through a rubberband.  It’s a girdle. Even if they give it a torqued up name like Spanx  and promise good riddance to “fat back bulges.”

This new element of torso torture has been updated.  The rivets on a girdle that held nylon stockings are no longer needed. And once a crane and jackhammer has stuffed a woman’s flesh inside the new “sculpting” garment, she no longer has to wriggle out to use the bathroom.  She simply grabs her crotch with both hands and gives a mighty heave like she’s opening a phone book.  The material parts to reveal an opening. Good luck with squatting and the rest of the procedure.

Like the corsets I posted about, this new body garment is fully customizable  but instead of tightlacing you use…(I kid you not)…buttletts.  (They look like those shoulder pads popular in 80s dresses.)

Need a bigger tush? Just insert the shoulder pads  buttletts in the handy-dandy cheek pockets. If you sit too much, you’ll flatten the foam in your buttletts, so don’t sit. Stand up and proudly show your newly enhanced bum. (No, they don’t sell refills.  This is a disposable society, remember? You have to buy a whole new garment.) (Contact me. I still have a bunch of shoulder pads in my sewing drawer, and I believe in recycling. I could go into the Blackmarket Buttlett Business.)

Meat Leggings by Black Milk Clothing for that Super Skinny Look

Buttlets for the rounder look

An era is fading. For a brief few years…a woman’s body could flop and flap and be in style. The days of gypsy-legged trousers and stretchy waists are ending. Sigh.

As you know….things change.  For now, it’s skin-tight-jeans.

What an interesting new fashion idea.