Making Deer Nuts and Big Money Bucks

Get away from garden , you're a wanted stud.

Get away from garden , you’re a wanted stud.

Recently a TALL  honkin’ fence went up around my neighbor’s land.

High. Ugly.

The kids, cats, and dogs sometimes cut across this guy’s fields, but this seemed like inhospitable overkill.

The newspaper woman inside of me elbowed my curiosity until I interviewed Mr. Neighbor to find out what atrocity pushed him to erect a Berlin wall.  Too much dog crap?  Kids setting off fireworks in his pasture?

Nope it was the deer. It makes me think of the old joke: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?  Beer nuts are $1.90, but deer nuts are under a buck. (snort.)

My neighbor loves his deer. He’s trying to keep them INSIDE his acres, not out.

It seems that it all started about a year ago when he let someone hunt on his farm. They killed a big buck with 10 point antlers.  A trophy deer.

As you may already know, Each season a buck sheds its antlers and grows a new set. It seems size really does matter in the deer world, and it mostly depends on  DNA and the available food supply.

For years now, farmers have been leasing their land to hunters, allowing them exclusive hunting privileges for a fee. For some small farmers, the leasing fees pay as much as the crops they grow. Hunters put out feeding boxes or plant special crops to ensure plenty of protein to make antlers … but what about DNA?

Well… It turns out there’s a big market in deer semen and artificial insemination in order to grow gi-normous-honkin’-big deer  with more spikes than a road strip.

So Mr. Neighbor was prepared when the 10-point buck was bagged on his land. The deer’s testicles were cut off and carefully cooled. Within hours those cajones were at an artificial insemination storage facility where experts collected the semen.

Since the 1950s, semen from prize-animals (horses and cows) has been frozen, preserved, and sold. The semen is contained in units called “straws.”   One deer (buck) will produce enough semen for about 125 straws.  Each straw is worth $300-$3,000.  (Rates vary depending on antler size and body frame.)

Yeah, yeah, the rest of the deer is eaten, but that’s not why Mr. Neighbor is ” locking down” his property.

Why you ask? What’s so special about his deer’s studly parts?

Because, it seems hunters want “trophy deer.” And the best way to get a big-rack buck is to inseminate the local does with super-stud DNA. Only about 20% of procedures work.  Stress makes them reject the semen. (Well, yeah-duh.)

So, Mr. Neighbor is breeding deer for their chromosomes. A big, pointy-antlered deer-semen farm.  It’s kind of like how we used to raise cattle on a ranch, but we never got that much money for any part of beef.

We just ate the edible parts—even the tail.

Why go to all this deer trouble? So hunting resorts/lodges/farms can guarantee not only a trophy kill, but a great time.  Price tag for guests: Up to $38,000 for a hunt.

Taxidermist-CraigJW used a creepy jawset. Actually, I think this is the kind of deer raiding my garden.

Taxidermist-CraigJW used a creepy jawset. Actually, I think this is the kind of deer raiding my garden.

All I can say is that some people have too much money.

If you’ve read many of my posts, you know I don’t like deer, but … this demand for deer nuts?

It’s almost enough to make me feel sorry for them.

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
This entry was posted in A Laugh, Humor, Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Making Deer Nuts and Big Money Bucks

  1. OMG, as only you can tell about it! LOL! You ever think about stand up?

    Like

  2. Margie says:

    We put up a new fence too – one to keep the deer out. The deer were eating everything in my yard, but even more spooky was their complete lack of fear when I would charge out the door to scare them away. Some of them were even so daft that they would come within a few feet of our windows and look into the house. Their gene pool seems to have bred out caution – might be the downside of breeding in bigger antlers?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I really dislike deer. If they started looking in my windows…that would be the last straw. I hope the fence works. I’m rootin’ for ya. I can’t wait to hear how the contest with the deers will come out this summer.

      Like

  3. perniche says:

    I have just started not thinking on it. So far so good. There is just generally not enough to not think on. I would have missed this one if not for your timely research and elaboration. Thanks for the leg up.

    Like

  4. Sigh. My animalarian self says that a trophy kill has to have a fighting chance of taking you out. And I really, really don’t understand killing things for fun. Or for bragging rights.
    Mind you, I cannot, but cannot think of anyone in the human world whose semen I would consider precious enough to denut them and save. Some I have been tempted to denut, but preservation wasn’t part ot the equation.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Sue, you always make me spit my coffee out of my mouth. Soooooo true, but you make me wonder. Who’s semen would I buy if I could? Probably Einsteins and gift it to my heirs so there would be at least one smart one in our neck of the gene pool. Thanks your your wonderful wit.

      Like

  5. Ha! Proof yet again that some people have more money than sense – and that other people are always willing to take that money off them.

    Like

  6. I’ve heard of people selling beer nuts, but never DEER nuts. OY. Those poor deer. As if it isn’t bad enough to be targeted by a bunch of rich folks, those does don’t even get to pick their own beaus. Instead, they’ll get a turkey baster of frozen (hopefully, they’ll thaw it first…) super sperm squirted up their wazoo. All in the name of bigger antlers and deep pockets. REALLY deep pockets. $38K for a hunting trip! Sheesh. That’s more than we paid for my car.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      See…you should get a cheap deer trophy and mount it on the front of your car. Now there’s something to showoff. You could have your trophy and your car, too!!! Send me a picture.

      Like

  7. digipicsphotography says:

    Well, dang! I learned something new today. Mind you, I have no desire to go into the deer nut business.

    Like

  8. Rose L. says:

    WHAT?!!! Are you making this up, Barb? I know you have quite an imagination and a humorous side. Such a sad commentary. I think this is so ridiculous!
    the things people think of.

    Like

  9. Elyse says:

    There are deer all over the place here. Please let me know his address so I can send them mine.
    And you’re right people have too much money. Some. Sadly, not me!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I understand it’s illegal to transport deer across state lines, but if we could lure them away like mice to another acre of cheese, that’d be wonderful. Black-market deer?

      Like

  10. jono says:

    $38,000 for an effin’ deer? I’m in the wrong business!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Is that not jaw-dropping. If they’d come to my house and help keep the deer out of my garden, I’d give those big-gamers a beer and a bowl of stew. (And they could keep the deer). Maybe I should advertise? But with my luck they’d shoot the neighbors donkeys.

      Like

  11. momaescriva says:

    You are always entertaining as well as informative. Who would’ve guessed that someone would be that money hungry. All I can say is “Run Bambi Run!”

    Like

  12. Alice Lynn says:

    A sad commentary on the human species. 😦

    Like

  13. I’ve missed your posts, Barb. This is the first in a long time. Hope you are well. Roxanne

    “Nothing happens until something moves .” Albert Einstein

    roxannecolyerclingmanart.com roxannecolyerclingmanart.com/creative life

    >

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Hi Roxanne.
      Hope you’re well. I wrote a couple of books out that were weighing on my mind. I’m supposed to be working on the 3rd one in the series, but it’s about a cantankerous ol’ gal and a bunch of women hikers and has been going so well and so much fun, it hasn’t demanded every minute. I hope to hear more from you. Barb

      Like

  14. Al says:

    Don’t know how someone can shoot those beautiful animals. I know, I hear all about “it’s for their own good so they won’t starve”, but if we’re actually breeding them to kill, how does that apply?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Al, you’re too kind. I don’t like deer. They don’t share and will eat everything in sight. (Although, one could argue that we’ve encroached on their territory), so I guess it’s a sticky wicket. I’ll send my Bambi herd over to your place next time they saunter through. You’ll love how they help you trim everything.

      Like

  15. JSD says:

    I’ve seem these ‘deer farms’ in our state, but this is the first I’ve heard of this nutty activity, I didn’t realize little Bambie was being raised only to sacrifice his gonads for someone’s future wall trophy. Seems highly unfair…and not very sportsman-like.

    Like

  16. Roxie Matthews says:

    I had no idea! And if he’s trying to keep deer in with a fence, that’s got to be one hell of a fence. Like, 9 feet tall. To completely enclose acreage with that much fence had to have cost a pretty penny. But if he’s looking to get 38 thousand for a hunting trip, well, good for him. (course, he also will have to provide five star lodging, meals, and entertainment.Hope he breaks even.)

    Love this. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Hi Roxie,
      He only plans on selling the straws of semen to the big-game resorts (so they can charge bunches of bucks (pun intended). Think of him as the farmer who milks the cows. (Or better, yet. Don’t think of it at all.)

      Like

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