Browse the aisles for some of the best products from
BEFORE MORNING BREAKS
The Talking Boots
Best known for their attitude, these boots will keep you going, with snarky reminders the uphill climb wouldn’t be difficult if you’d have gotten off your lazy tush and hiked a few times before you decided to walk 100 miles around a mountain.
Voice tone is adjustable from drill-Sargent to annoying spouse. Perfect for all lard-butts.
Hair Anointment Beauty Conditioner
Made famous in 1870, this unique rendering of Roxie’s Bear Oil cures dry hair damaged from walking 2000 miles across most of the continental United States. It comes with other beauty secrets to keep that Victorian skin fair as a naked lamb. Don’t look old before your time.
Disclosure: May attract female bears. Suggest this item be purchased with the fast hiking boots above.
Barb’s Sack O’ Good Looks
Made famous when I shopped for New Sinus Cavities, this fashion secret is a must have…like a little black dress, or black underwear.
Perfect at any event from work to chicken judging. Easily accessorized. Multiple health benefits include pollen filtration and sleep aid.
Learn how to look smart even if you’re dumber than a bag of hair. These lensless beauties will enhance your IQ to Clark Kent status.
Comes with chart of hand gestures that will accessorize your intelligent looks: chin-stroking, finger steepling, knowing nods, and many more.
Disclosure: Do not open mouth while wearing glasses. It interferes with the transmission of your brainy aura.
The Long-Awaited Cookbook of Horrors
Guaranteed to get a YOWL out of the pickiest eaters
Contains secret family recipes from Morticia Adams,
Dr. Hannibal Lechter, and Norman Bates’ mom. This book of home cooking will make you glad “There’s no place like home!”
Start wrapping up those ingots, and lugging them to the Souvenir Shop because that’s the only form of compensation that’s accepted for these one-of-a-kind finds. Enjoy.
Thanks for the information.
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Don’t you also need an OKDOKE list?
(complements of someone I don’t know named Bill Lambert)
The top 20 ways you know you’re from Oklahoma
1. It doesn’t bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
2. You have used the phrase “fixin’ to” during the last twelve months.
3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
4. You’ve ever been excused from school because “the cows got out”.
5. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.
6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn’t mean farm animals.
7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother’s birthday.
9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
13. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.
14. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.
15. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4×4 is.
17. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than once you’ve made a beer run to another state.
18. You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
19. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
20. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever had this conversation:
“You wanna Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”..
..
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DO you accept PayPal? How about Green Stamps? I have some leftover from the early 1970’s from when I traded my books in for an automated enema.
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I’m ordering a pair of the talking boots right now! My other half could do with some ‘snarky reminders’! Love the souvenir shop!
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I think I want/need everything in the Souvenir Shop and double helpings of some items. Now to find me a bank to rob.
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