Browse the aisles for some of the best products from
BEFORE MORNING BREAKS
Best known for their attitude, these boots will keep you going, with snarky reminders the uphill climb wouldn’t be difficult if you’d have gotten off your lazy tush and hiked a few times before you decided to walk 100 miles around a mountain.
Voice tone is adjustable from drill-Sargent to annoying spouse. Perfect for all lard-butts.
Made famous in 1870, this unique rendering of Roxie’s Bear Oil cures dry hair damaged from walking 2000 miles across most of the continental United States. It comes with other beauty secrets to keep that Victorian skin fair as a naked lamb. Don’t look old before your time.
Disclosure: May attract female bears. Suggest this item be purchased with the fast hiking boots above.
Made famous when I shopped for New Sinus Cavities, this fashion secret is a must have…like a little black dress, or black underwear.
Perfect at any event from work to chicken judging. Easily accessorized. Multiple health benefits include pollen filtration and sleep aid.
Learn how to look smart even if you’re dumber than a bag of hair. These lensless beauties will enhance your IQ to Clark Kent status.
Comes with chart of hand gestures that will accessorize your intelligent looks: chin-stroking, finger steepling, knowing nods, and many more.
Disclosure: Do not open mouth while wearing glasses. It interferes with the transmission of your brainy aura.
The Long-Awaited Cookbook of Horrors
Contains secret family recipes from Morticia Adams,
Dr. Hannibal Lechter, and Norman Bates’ mom. This book of home cooking will make you glad “There’s no place like home!”
Start wrapping up those ingots, and lugging them to the Souvenir Shop because that’s the only form of compensation that’s accepted for these one-of-a-kind finds. Enjoy.