Clothing for Hot flashes

It’s Monday. Time to slip on your hot flash jacket, and head back to work. Like a female

Laugh at me and I'll throw the pinecones I keep in my pockets

pine cone squeezing its scales with humidity,  (yes, pine cones have gender) fabric woven with chemistry and British  voodoo will react to internal and external temperatures. (Developed by UK based  Centre for Biometric Technologies according to Gizmag)

Soon, women screaming obscenities and ripping clothing off in a hormonal red-faced flush will be a thing of the past. The jacket’s fibers open when it’s warm and shut snug when the idiot in the next cubicle opens a window during a snowstorm.

You don’t have this ensemble in your closet?  Then slip on your essential black pants that help with depression.

Yeah, I don’t have a pair either. Smart clothes aren’t  available at Macy’s yet, but they’re here.

I especially like the silks which are handily imbued with medicines or nanotube yarn. Your favorite blue smart shirt will slowly release your prescription right into your skin and monitor blood pressure.

I’m saving my bucks for:

The perfect tag-team Black Friday shirt.  The Proximity Sensing T-Shirt is available at the ThinkGeek store. The “radar screen” on the shirt scans for matching shirts. If you get near your counterpart wearing the same shirt, the radar on your shirt “locks on” and detects the other.  Most folks will put one on their dog or kid. I’ll put one in my backseat, because whenever I come out of the mall, I find my sneaky little car has moved to another row—or another lot.

Until I can afford the electronic jacket, this will have to do.

The BLU Jacket.  Semiconductiors in this sheath of organic fabric displays moods through signs and colors. You say…So what? Your 1960 mood ring did the same thing. But Lunar Design also has a GPS module built into it. Theoretically you can project a map onto your jacket’s sleeve through its flexible display. (Without that irritating woman who lives in the Garmin snottily saying, “Recalculating.”)  Because I’m lost most of the time, I plan on wearing the jacket as a giant billboard and making a few bucks for shopping as I wander around looking for my car.

Hydro-electric-Me Jacket: Cornell University’s Department of Textiles and Apparel aims to coat cotton threads with semiconductor polymers and nanoparticles to conduct electricity and self- power your cell phone or iPod.

Great! Not only does my body have to fuel miscellaneous organs, but now my apps.

I already have some talking boots, but a powered-up jacket is a change I can live with. It’s  a great reason to put on a silk shirt infused with peppy vitamins and head back to the food court.

Do these smart pants make me look fat?

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
This entry was posted in A Laugh, Enough, Humor, Life, Satire and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to Clothing for Hot flashes

  1. Spectra says:

    How did I miss this brilliant little bit on clothing with a higher IQ than me? Like I need to feel any stupider at this point in my menopausal life? I guess I should ask for mood-balancing clothing. That way if I should accidentally kill someone or run them off the road, I can just sue JC Penneys for selling me broken clothes. I like a world where expectations for personal responsibility are exactly equal to my evaporating IQ. WHich is to say, very low indeed.

    Like

  2. Phil says:

    That’s really cool! Oh wait, I mean that’s really hot! Hmmm, the damn thing keeps changing. Can something be hot and cool at the same time?

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  3. Silva Gang says:

    “Great! Not only does my body have to fuel miscellaneous organs, but now my apps.” Ha ha! 🙂 Good grief, what will they come up with next? I don’t know about you, but I could really use a talking feature in all of my clothes. I don’t know how many times I misplaced my favorite items, and could not figure out where they were for the life of me. If they could talk, they could just say “Hey, I’m over here!” What a time saver that would be!

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  4. I asked the lady at a spa if she could make me a full suit of the eye gel pack – so cooling and refreshing. It’s just a matter of time before we are sporting this instead of frozen peas underneath the arm pits.

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  5. Rose L says:

    OH NO! A typo in my response! I meant invent,…or maybe I was thinking a mix with devient…lol

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    • Barb says:

      I fixed it, Rose, since you can’t. I’m always hoping people will do that for me so I don’t look like a backwoods gopher running across the keyboard.

      Like

  6. Rose L says:

    What I want is clothing that will slim me down and make me look younger! When they invent that stuff I will be fighting for first place in line!!

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  7. I am with Susan Swiderski. Between MS and menopause I spend a lot of time perspiring freely (sweating like a pig) while my partner is putting his pleading face on as his finger hovers over the on button on the heating. No. No. No.
    And, as a truly joyous side effect, twice now when a hot phase hit me as I shoped the store detective has asked if they can go through my bags. Since when does perspiration equal guilt? I don”t think much of their training courses.

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    • Barb says:

      Well, that’s a bummer. Perhaps you could have some fun with the detective, going into great detail about women’s body parts and an-indepth review of family history. If you’re going to be inconvenienced, then you should get a laugh out of it.

      Like

  8. souldipper says:

    Too late. My organs cooked to medium well during my past decade.

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  9. Elyse says:

    Great post! I was once doing research on hormone treatments and came across this article in the New York Times on Hot Flash PJs! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/13/health/13cons.html?_r=1.

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    • Barb says:

      Oh my. The study said they found that women who had hot flashed didn’t have worse sleep than the women who woke up sweating 10 times per night.

      BULLLLLLLoney!! The researchers should try getting up several times per night and changing clothes. It’ll be interesting to see if the PJs work.

      Like

  10. millodello says:

    The smart pants make you look smart. (er). But seriously why not? Thinking outside the cloth has to be good. Well done again.

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  11. Barb, I’m a little confused with regards to the shirts that detect another similar one nearby… do they beep?
    Occasionally my car moves to a different space too, so this would come in very handy if they beeped.

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    • Barb says:

      The shirts have lights on them which light up when you’re close (like 5 meters) of the other shirt. They were designed for lazer tag where you need to know if the person that’s sneaking up on you is friend or foe.
      I have an app that tells me where I parked. Half the time it tells me the car’s still at home. It’ has some bugs.

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  12. Margie says:

    All I really want from the clothing industry is those sneakers like little kids have – you know, the ones with lights on the sides of the soles. The lights come on every time you step down on the heel. Don’t you think they would make time on the treadmill a lot more interesting!

    Like

  13. moma escriva says:

    I think I’ll opt for the tradewinds of Hawaii to cool me off. But, I am always on the chilly side and when (and they were few) hot flashes hit my skin, I felt nice and toasty.

    Like

  14. pegoleg says:

    If those clothes were so smart they’d be able to wash, dry and fold themselves. And where’s the shirt that automatically infuses me with chocolate?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      My kid wore a pair of jeans without washing them that I’m sure they could stand by themselves. He argued that it was just the way he liked it.
      I think they made chocolate shirts, but found people kept eating them.

      Like

  15. digipicsphotography says:

    No more hot flashes for me. Those are a thing of the past. Thank goodness.

    As far as the GPS, I had one. Didn’t like it. No better than a map. Gave it to my son. He loves them. So I don’t think I’ll be getting one of those shirts anytime soon. 🙂

    Like

  16. I howled all the way through this. I’ve finally passed the wet flashes. I mainly burn now when I get a little excited. But, the memory of “those days” lingers. Thanks for such a good morning laugh.

    Like

  17. Roxie Matthews says:

    I have a friend who has embroidered the fingertips of his gloves with silver-wrapped wire so he can text with his gloves on. The silver conducts the body’s electricity right through the glove. But the idea of a t-shirt that senses another shirt like itself – wow. Of course, the more popular it gets, the less effective for finding any specific item. You could be looking for your car, and wind up being drawn to someone wearing a similar t-shirt, also looking for HER car. Or you might be trying to find you toddler and wind up with a 24 year-old man who lives in his mother’s basement, is a 27th power wizard, and has no social skills what-so-ever.

    Like

  18. Oh, those hot flash jackets will never work. Don’t they know that the flashes don’t give a good diddle WHAT the “real” temperature is? a woman could be standing outside naked in the middle of winter, and if one of those miserable sweat baths decides to come, it comes. Kinda reminds me of, years ago, when the announcement was made that, after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, researchers had determined that menstrual cramps were “real.” My mother and I had a good laugh over that one. I said, “All they had to do was ASK.” Love this post, Another good one.

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  19. Too funny.

    I was in hell with hot flashes all last year and (yay!!!!!) the sons of bitches seem to have stopped. It was so grotesque, esp. since I do a lot of public speaking, to be standing at a podium in front of a lot of strangers, usually with a video camera rolling, drenched in sudden sweat and trying not to fan myself. HATE hot flashes.

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  20. Too funny…and I must tell you, you look great and fit. I think as zany as your brain works, you take pretty good care of yourself.

    Like

  21. Love your humor and positive attitude towards hot flushes and all the discomforts of menopause. I remember how my mom would have this hot flushes and intense sweating and mood swings. I felt bad that women have to go through such a difficult phase. I like your alternative clothing, comfortable and chic! have a great day!

    Like

  22. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Wow what a jacket just the right bit of clothing for us that live in the tropics. It’s 9.30pm here and I am sitting in shorts and sleeveless top with the fan turned on high, putting on a long sleeve jacket is not on the agenda at all. So I’m assuming the powers that be in the UK are not considering selling these world wide. 😆
    Oh and if it is to make me feel cooler that makes me laugh ever more.

    But I love the built in GPS, this could came in very handy, especially to find the car. 😀

    Like

  23. jmgoyder says:

    You are hilarious!

    Like

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