Jet Propelled Airspace for the Face

I was shopping for a new skull the other day because the traffic grid of my sinuses has jammed.  I guess that’s to be expected. After so many years, most things become full: cupboards, RAM, headspace.  The simplest solution was to make a change.

I asked for a model without those confounded paranasal passages, but the helpful salesman told me it was considered an app to the skull. Turns out sinus cavities are simply sacks of air between bone and flesh like packaging pillows. The sacs begin at birth and continue to excavate bone for the rest of our lives. I suppose this means by the time we’re 100, we’ll have the airbags of a Volvo under our eyes.

It seems without these pockets of void, our solidly-weighted faces would bend our necks into a U and our heads bob like lilies when we walked.  Oh wait! I already do that.

My problem is that my alleyways of airways swell and mucus-up like big sponges when exposed to allergens.  37 million people have the same malady, so you’d think there’d be more choice in skulls. There are alternatives:

Barb’s All Natural Nasal Filters: 6 Hair thickets. Traps particles. Comes in different sizes because each schnozz is different. Easy to install. Yanks a bit on removal.

Barb’s Sack O’Good Looks. Keep doors  closed. Drive with windows up. Use air conditioning to avoid allergens.

Thanks:www.neti-netti-pot.com/

Barb’s Snoot Rooter: Washing your nose holes twice a day helps hair move particles like they were a lightweight blonde in a mosh pit.  You could use a neti pot or the cupped hands you were created with.  Better yet…stick your head in the ocean and breath then snort it out.

I’ve kept on skull shopping at:  Wal-Mart (“Live Better”) and  J.C. Penney (“It’s all Inside.”) Now I’m intrigued by Ball Corporation’s rocket designs.  (“The Leader in Small Space and Rocket Systems”).

Really! You didn’t know your grandma’s jar company made spacecraft? Me neither.

Things change. Maybe someday they’ll even make sinuses.

Then…Good bye Neti pot.

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
This entry was posted in A Laugh, Humor, Life, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to Jet Propelled Airspace for the Face

  1. Pingback: The Marvel of Your Nose | Before Morning Breaks

  2. Pingback: Before Morning Breaks…You Can Be Smarter | Before Morning Breaks

  3. The Hook says:

    Another winner!

    Like

  4. So glad you stopped by my blog so I could enjoy yours. A good laugh my not clear the sinuses, but it helps clear the mind.

    Like

  5. pegoleg says:

    My sympathy for your condition is battling for supremacy with an overwhelming urge to clear my throat and possibly vomit. Please let me know the next time you try the ocean treatment so I can make sure, if I’m at the beach, I’m at the OTHER ocean.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I completely understand. You have so many rivers in Illinois you don’t have to go to the beach. Why…I bet the Mississippi River and Lake Michigan have enough chemicals in them to melt the slog right out of a congested head. I’ll gladly grab your the back of your jeans and hold on to you. Some of those riverbanks are steep and slippery.

      Like

  6. This was hysterical. And I can completely relate. I love your ideas. You might want to try eating something spicy. I’ve suffered from clogged sinuses for most of my life. I will do anything for relief…I’ve spent countless hours hunched over a bowl of boiling water with a towel draped over my head..I’ve been on every single allergy med known to man…I’ve almost drowned myself using a neti pot. But once my husband handed me a jar of hot peppers and I ate a few (and I hate peppers) and voila, my sinuses cleared a bit! (not a lot, just a little, but I’ll take any relief)

    Like

    • Barb says:

      That’s a good idea, but Curmudgeons Complaint is using up all the jalapenos on this continent for his chili recipes.
      I think I’ll add a jar of horse radish in my Snoot Rooter Kit. Of course, I’ll have to call it Herbal/Vegan Nostril Salve: Eat it up…let the tears begin.
      Crying so profusely would probably prevent styes, too. This is a goldmine. Thanks.

      Like

  7. Still can’t bring myself to try a Neti pot, because of that thing I have against drowning. I’m such a fussypants.

    Like

  8. This post is perfect timing for me. I’ve got a skull full of slog from a cold. I’m climbing out of bed right now, mixing up some warm water and salt and snorting the stuff. I’d forgotten about that old remedy and all this talk of slog reminded me. Thanks!

    Like

  9. I did the whole netti post thing until I read about someone who died from using unpurified water in it – bacteria went to the brain. Yikes! Now I’m just learning to live with clogged sinuses and the resulting headache. It helps to drink lemon tea with rosemary infused in it. And it helps even more if the tea gets a kick from some brandy. Just saying!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I knew I liked you for some reason. You use kicked up tea as snake-bit medicine or sinus medicine, or for headaches and bad Fridays.
      I read the CDC page on the bacteria. It made me quake with the memory of all the dips in the lake we’d take during the hot months. Good thing the bacteria is rare.

      Like

  10. Lots of chuckles! Great post. ( but no way am I sticking my face in the Gulf of Mexico (more mud than salt) – it’s not the fish, it’s the pesticide runoff from chemical lawn companies.)

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Yeah..I read about that. Perhaps all those chemicals would burn off the nose, then breathers would have greater access to their sinuses. Kind of a Darth Vader fashion-look.?

      Like

  11. momaescriva says:

    Your story came right on the heals of my sinus headache which feels like a vice squeezing my eyes together.

    Like

  12. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Nothing like a laugh to start the day off, great post. 🙂

    Like

  13. Good luck–sinuses can be a pain. I’ve never done the neti pot but I use the Neil Med sinus wash and it helps. Plus I went to a sinus guy and he sent me to an osteopath because he said my posture is causing some of the aches I was attributing to sinus pain–he was totally right–might be worth a look.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Posture? That’s a new one to me. Tell me more, Thomas.

      Like

      • I was surprised too, but he told me that if you do a lot of close work leaning over and that sort of thing (and have bad posture to boot) you can put pressure on nerves in your neck which can cause pain in the sides and back of your head and even make your teeth ache. The osteopath I went to confirmed that and gave me some exercises and a lecture on good posture and it’s made a major difference. It doesn’t do anything for blockage, etc., but the sinus doctor told me that the majority of people he sees for sinus problems really have more than one problem that they attribute solely to sinuses. Good luck with yours!

        Like

        • Barb says:

          Fascinating. Thomas, your name is linked to your gravatar, but I didn’t find a link to your site on your gravatar page. I’d love to visit your blog.(And I’m sure others would too.)

          I’m the queen of poor posture. I’d probably cure female baldness if I’d quit trying to duck and hide my head in my armpit. (I’m around a lot of storytellers and there’re always zingers flying.)

          Like

        • Thanks for the heads up (no pun intended) about the gravatar. I have no idea why it’s doing that–it seems to work on some blogs but not others. I’ll check my settings.

          Anyway, my blog is testazyk@testazyk.com. Thanks.

          Like

  14. I try to ignore my sinus issues,,, until my ears begin to ring, at which time I try a Yoga pose (headstands) which makes me feel good; still, it does nothing to clear my sinuses or stop the ringing in my ears. Oh well!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Oh Marcia….are you crazy???? Standing on your head with a noggin full of sinus slog will make your skull explode…at the very least your eyes might pop out like watermelon seeds. Go back to the Dead Man Pose, girl.

      Like

  15. Michael Ann says:

    Ha! But not really funny. I totally understand. I have suffered sinus issues for the last 20 years. I get allergy shots now which REALLY helps. I’m down from like 4 infections a year to maybe one. BUt I seemed to have traded the sinus infections for ear infections. Just can’t win!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Okay…I guess the shots are worth it if it cuts down your puffy-faced-lousy-time. No wonder you bake all those wonderful treats at your blog…it takes your mind off the clogged up channels of your skull. I’ll be over for some chocolate cookies.

      Like

    • Spectra says:

      Milk, or caseine, can cause ear infections if you have an intolerance. It’s pretty hard to clear out of your diet, but it works.

      Like

  16. Roxie Matthews says:

    My sinuses continue to excavate bone? Where are they dumping it? Can I get osteoporosis of the head? One broken wrist, and Kaiser wants me to put safety rails on my toilet. Pretty soon, I’ll be required to wear helmet as soon as I get out of bed. And watch out for those flesh-eating amoebae in your neti pot!

    Hope the sinuses clear soon. I know it’s miserable, even though you do such a good job of making light of it.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      You’re such a vibrant, active woman, I hope you kicked bum when anyone suggested you add support rails to your venue. Of course, I was wishing for a chauffeur the other day, but it has to do with perfecting my laziness. I’d go for a toilet with an eject-seat. Think of the energy THAT would save.

      Like

  17. souldipper says:

    My Neti pot is a marvel…especially when a cold & cough wouldn’t let go and I was flying to South Africa. I use it preventatively (new word, spellcheck says) and haven’t had a cold or flu for years.

    My father suffered with sinus problems for years – it was awful. Finally, he had a sinus operation and he lived out his life without the problem. But…for some reason, it took ages for the Doc. to agree to surgery.

    Hope you find relief soon, Barb.

    Like

  18. The hair thicket reminds me of a truly dreadful joke which still makes me smile.
    ‘Where do flies go in winter?
    Up old men’s noses – you can see the legs hanging down.’
    Sorry about that. Wonderful post. I would like them to find a cure for the common cold too.

    Like

  19. curm says:

    I kind of like it when my sinus back . It stops the rushing noise of air going through my ears. I think the Heater dust kicks mine in initially and then in May the swamp cooler does the same thing.

    Like

  20. Alice Lynn says:

    Trust you to put a new spin on an old problem. I had siunitis when I was 8 months pregnant and believe me, sinuses are nothing to fool around with. Of course, now that you’ve pointed out that those pesky cavities keep getting bigger as we age, I realize why our faces tend to “fall in,” especially after the “sell date.” The perfect news to greet the post Christmas doldrums. 😦

    Like

  21. Elyse says:

    Laughing hard with Coca Cola in your mouth works well to clean out my nose. Just try not to do it over your laptop.

    Like

  22. I love skulls, but I’m talking the decorative variety. But, I suppose our skulls are pretty decorative when you you think about it…except when they have blocked nasal passages and your hair thickets in them! Margie

    Like

  23. I love my Neti pot but my husband just read that several people have gotten sick from using tap water in their Neti pots. When my head needs a wash, I’m still calling on Neti. Loved this blog. You are a hoot!

    Like

  24. Arindam says:

    This one is really funny! 🙂 You always create posts, which are unique.
    “stick your head in the ocean and breath then snort it out.” This line really made me laugh out laud. 🙂
    Merry Christmas to you!!

    Like

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