Another Foot of Leg

Fall brings out my tiny shopping gene, but it never ends well.

I peruse the mail-order catalogs and dog-ear pages before I go shopping. I don’t want to waste too much time in those stores

Lemme at that store. Clothing bows at my feet.

which are like buffets of textile disappointment. I’ve done my homework and know what I want before I walk into Macy’s. I’m like Zooey Deschanel hopped up on hope.

But after trying on the carefully vetted threads, I walk from the dressing room, twisting right and left, trying to see myself from all angles in the mirror. I’m more baffled than an English Lit major trying to do Chinese algebra.

It’s taken years, but I’ve finally deduced the reason for my bewilderment.

The clothing promises every possibility of looking like this when it’s hanging on the hanger……

Ooooooo, I can’t wait to try on that top and new skirt.

I’m not sure why those ridiculous department store mirrors reveal…..

I think it’s the lighting…or maybe I need another foot and a half of leg.

I hate shopping.
Smiley

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About Barb

I escaped from a hardscrabble farm in Oklahoma. I'm not sure why people think I have an accent. I miss the sunshine, but not the fried foods.
This entry was posted in A Laugh, Change, Humor, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

64 Responses to Another Foot of Leg

  1. Nisha says:

    Were Julia’s legs always that long???? As I was scrolling down, that pic seemed to go on forever and ever…jeez.

    Like

  2. Spectra says:

    One word, lady: EBAY.
    When will these cruel fashion stores realize what we girls need is soft lighting, maybe even candle light, in those stark, prison mug-shot lighted dressing rooms? And a little wine to blur our vision. Sales would skyrocket then!

    Also, a handsome, topless fireman who stands outside your dressing room, waiting to shower you with compliments no matter how you look.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Wait. I had to get something to fan myself. Now that’s a store I’d shop at. I think you’re onto something. I’ll meet you and we’ll spend the day.

      Like

  3. I don’t like shopping too but what can we do, there are times that calls for it. I’m visiting my sis in Connecticut for Thanksgiving. I had to shop sweaters and other stuff since it’s going to be cold. Being used to Texan weather, I will probably freeze as soon as I get out of the plane. Love your post and love Julia Robert’s pic. I enjoyed watching that movie. Inspiring right? Not the clothes but her spirit.

    Like

  4. Arindam says:

    Barb, honestly I stay away when any female in my family asks me to go with her for shopping. I believe it’s the most boring stuff for a human (to be more specific for a man)! 🙂

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Imagine how boring it is for us??? We have to keep taking off our clothes and staring into those clown mirrors. OOOOOOOOhhh the torture of it all. No wonder on-line shopping is so popular.

      Like

  5. El Guapo says:

    Sure, another foot and a half would make the clothes shopping easier, but the shoe shoppping damn near impossible!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Well….now…wait a minute, Guapersterola. Shoe shopping really isn’t shopping. There’s no where else I can go that people will kneel in front of me and treat me like Cinderella gently placing slippers on my feet. I believe shoe shopping goes in the category of “What else can I get you, Your Majesty?”

      Like

  6. colonialist says:

    The leg adjustment might be a bit awkward – it MUST be the lighting. Or the garments should be sued for false advertising! 🙂

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Gasp!!! I haven’t thought of that. Just as soon as my attorney wraps up his lawsuit against dogs in space. I’ll get on that. I assume you’ll want a percentage since you thought of the litigious idea?

      Like

      • colonialist says:

        Those dogs in space really need to be sued. But after that a generous one, of course!
        Er, come to think of it – I can understand the half leg more – on both sides, I presume – but what would you do with the extra foot?

        Like

  7. LOL, I love this Barb! Margie

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  8. Rose L. says:

    This is why I am forming DAM–Destroy All Mirrors. That way whatever we try on we can imagine actually looks good on us!

    Like

  9. katecrimmins says:

    Shopping was more fun when I was younger. Then I had the great body but not the money. Now I have the money but not the great……oh, yes, it’s the lighting!

    Like

  10. Long ago I discovered that department store mirrors are defective. I never use them.

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    • Barb says:

      So Myra, that means: 1. You buy without looking. 2. You bring your own mirror or…. 3. You haven’t bought any new clothing since ’71? They all work for me.

      Like

  11. funnysister says:

    So true! Lately, even my feet feel fat. The bright side: Purses always fit. Bonus: A big enough bag works as camouflage….like a TV actress hiding a pregnancy.

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  12. digipicsphotography says:

    And what’s with all the clothes being designed to show your midriff? I’m 61 y/o, not 16. No one, I repeat, no one wants to see my midriff, including me!

    Like

  13. Lisa Nowak says:

    Cool, you did a scary Halloween post! Shopping is my idea of the perfect horror movie.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      GASP!!!! Lisa, you’re right. It wasn’t intended but so true. The only thing scarier was the Midnight Special Shoppers event…which is another post all by itself.

      Like

      • Beth says:

        LOL! I hate shopping, too. But worse than shopping by myself is going shopping with my youngest daughter who (at least when she was a teen) would go to nearly every store in the mall at least twice to try to get t he best deal, while not missing anything. THAT was mega scary.

        Like

  14. Barb, your post reminds me of either how much I’ve evolved over the years … or how much I look for excuses to avoid shopping for clothes because I just know I’ll hate the purchases as soon as I get home. And when did a 12 – or Marilyn Monroe – become a PLUS size. Astonished?

    Like

    • Barb says:

      They should label those departments in big honkin’ letters. I never know if I’m in petites, Woman, or Rejects. I often go to the sleepwear dept, while shopping. All those formless gowns and strretch pants give me comfort.

      Like

  15. winsomebella says:

    I’m with you…….I never have been a shopper and it gets more painful each year 😦

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Maybe we should just send all of our clothes to each other each year? It’d be more fun and a lot less painful. I’m putting twenty bucks in the pocket of my houserobe and sending it to you. It looks great in the mirror at night when you go to the bathroom without turning on the light.

      Like

  16. I think it’s the lighting as well. I have the same problem only I’m too stupid to find it out in the store, I have to wait until I get home to realize I’ve made another bone headed purchase.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Don’t you hate that? Then I’m stuck wearing it because I’m too cheap to toss it. It seems like the clothing I hate the most, I end up wearing the most, hoping they’ll wear out sooner.

      Like

  17. emjayandthem says:

    This is absolutely wonderful to find out that I am not the only one who hates shopping!

    At 5’2″ and with a 38″ chest, I always get steered to the Petite Section … geared to little old ladies wearing embroidered ducks and sheep on vests. Don’t. Need. That. Thanks.

    In my mind, I’m Julia Roberts, but in reality, I’m more like Edith Bunker!

    🙂 MJ

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I, too, am a tiny rocket in stature. Often I dip into the Juniors department where young people scatter if I pick up the same item that they’re looking at. Oh well….TAWANDA!!!!! (as they said in the day.) (You’ll have to Google Fried Green Tomatoes if this day was before your movie knowledge)

      Like

      • emjayandthem says:

        TAWANDA indeed! One of my all time favorites 🙂

        I am changing jobs soon and I need to ….. drumroll…. go shopping for some new (serious) clothes. *Sigh* just shoot me now!

        🙂 MJ

        Like

  18. dorannrule says:

    In youth I loved shopping for the hope it promised and usually provided. The hope is still there but I must be good at the art of self deception because nothing works at home. This is a funny funny post Barb but oh too true. 🙂

    Like

    • Barb says:

      At least you still harbor hope. I hate shopping. Honest to fluxwort, I declined an event recently because it would require new clothes and I just didn’t have the gumption.

      Like

  19. I have almost total sales resistance with the except of bookstores and nurseries.
    I also have a lot of leg. Sadly it doesn’t help. I believe that all of the mirrors in clothing stores are purchased directly from the fair, which accounts for my image as the fat lady. Who cannot even sing. Sigh.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      MMmmmmm if you have a lotta leg, then you’re a tall woman who has the advantage of shin-kicking anyone who doesn’t agree with you. I hope you’re using your height on everyone who comments about your singing.
      But I saw your post where you bought 2 tons of flower bulbs. You’ll wear about a foot off your height digging and planting all those bulbs.
      P.S. I’ve been told, Sue, that everyone can sing. It reminds me of my favorite snarky cooking teacher. I asked her if it were possible to freeze eggs.
      She sneered at the ridiculousness of my question. replying, “Anything can be frozen. Just don’t expect to eat it afterward.”

      Like

  20. Barb, it’s definitely the lighting.

    Like

  21. moma escriva says:

    Methinks, it’s time for a field trip. I’m sure we can find something that will have a long enough shelf life to look as at home as it was in the shop.
    PS I hate to shop, too.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Where are you suggesting, Moma? How about going to visit that Kate Shrewsday in England for a spot of shopping. Surely a bit of classic tweed will last a long time. (and no one will be looking at our legs if we have riding jackets on.)

      Like

  22. AMEN! Long live real people with real figures. I mail order shop. Or sometimes I haunt charity shops (thrift stores?) where very rich people take their cast offs. Real shops? Not if I can help it…

    Like

  23. Lord, ain’t that the truth! I never much cared for shopping in the first place, but it sure was a lot more enjoyable when I was a size 2 or 4. Those mirrors have definitely become increasingly more flawed over the years.

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Well, I was going to suggest dumping our mirrors, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people walking down the street in all sorts of get ups and wondered if they even owned a mirror. So any reflective surface, even the back of a spoon, is better than nothing, I suppose.

      Like

  24. JSD says:

    OMG, so true! Not only do the mirrors demoralize our poor little egos, the lighting just totally sucks…showing every tiny pocket of cellulite on our thighs and abdomen. It makes me want to vomit. Given all that, I am still irritated with the vanity sizing that goes on: the size 6 that I wore when I weighed 105 lbs. decades ago is only two sizes smaller than the size 10 that I now wear, though I weight a whopping 40 lbs. more. Go figure!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      I figured all the Chinese women who were sewing in sweat shops in China were slapping their foreheads and saying, “No one could be a size 16…they must really mean size 12. Now you tell me Ralph Lauren is just trying to me me feel positive about the size of my rear??? Awww…what a nice guy.

      Like

  25. Alice Lynn says:

    The older I get, the more I hate even the “idea” of shopping. Could it be a self-destructive gene (like the one attributed to lemmings) that encourages us to step into dressing rooms equipped with 3 (!) mirrors and pale green overhead lighting that reveals cellulite, eye bags, and flabby muscles? Of course, one could use this as a photo op to gain a role in any number of horror films. 🙂 Happy Halloween!

    Like

    • Barb says:

      Thanks, Alice. You’re right. What is it with those mirrors? How do they make everything so ugly? I’ve seen mirrors at rest stops with better reflective quality and lighting…OR..SAINTS PRESERVE US!….maybe those mirrors are reality and it’s my mirror at home that’s the liar???? Ay-yi-yih!!!

      Like

  26. Al says:

    Trying on clothes before you buy them? Who knew? So that’s what those little rooms with curtains are for.

    Like

  27. Margie says:

    I hate clothes shopping too. Two dresses that say they are the same size will invariably not be. I don’t even want to talk about bathing suit shopping…

    Like

  28. jmgoyder says:

    You look better than Julia – hilarious post!

    Like

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